Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes – Happie

BORIS HAMILTON: BAGGY CLOTHES

Every once in a while, I'll be walking around, going, 'Look at me! My clothes are kind of baggy. Maybe I am losing weight.' Turns out -- just laundry time. Maybe I shouldn't wear the same jeans six days in a row.

JIMMY ALECK: NOT ANSWERING THAT

Now that I'm married, I'm being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, 'Do you think I'm fat?' I said, 'Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see "stupid jackass" written on my face? Do you see "let's have a fight for no apparent reason" written on my face somewhere?'

ALEXANDRA MCHALE: NOT A COMPLIMENT

I started dating this guy that I've known for a long time, and I thought, 'Oh, this'll be so great, we've been friends for a while,' until he gave me what he thought was a compliment. He said, 'Even though you used to be wafer thin and you're not anymore, I'm still just as attracted to you.' Oh yeah, he's a real smooth talker. So naturally, I'm upset about this. I call my best friend Carla, and she goes, 'You know what -- that is such crap because, first of all, you have never been wafer thin.'

LENNY CLARKE: FREE MEMBERSHIP

I went to a gym. They offered me free membership for life if I posed for a 'don't let this happen to you' poster.

MOPEDS AND FAT LADIES

What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?

They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

KEVIN BRENNAN: HOUSEBOUND OBESITY

How do you not see that coming? Don't you gradually get fatter? It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up overnight. If you're walking out of your house sideways 'cause you're too fat, make a mental note, alright?

OBESE MICHIGAN MAMMAS

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?

Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

BILLIAM CORONEL: OVERWEIGHT AT THE BEACH

I am overweight. My whole family is overweight. We go to the beach, and people swim out to us.

Source : Funny Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Latest Funny Jokes and Sardar Jokes

Gang of SARDARS broke a Bank.

Instead of cash they found Botles full of Chilled Red Wine,

Happily they drank & went away.

Next day Headline aai: Blood Bank lutya gya.

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Ek dafa sardar ne bank se lon lekar car khrid lya but bank ka lon wapas na kar saka.

magar Bank walo ne car wapas lalya.

Sardar:agar pata huta to shadi be bank ke lon se karta.

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Ek Sardar ne ek bachy se pucha k tum ko A,B,C Aaty hai to bachy ne keha k mujy 9 tak aty hia..

Sardar ne bachy se keha k oyee Ullu k pathy 9 A,b,c main nahe aata. yeh to Alif,, Be,,Main ata hai:

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Ek chor Sardar ka mobile le kar bagh gyia.

Dost: wo tumara mobile le kar bagh gyia or tm hanas rahe ho,

Sardar: bagne do charger tu mere pass hai.

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1st sardar yeah bacha tumhara kia lagta hai

2nd sardar:yeah mera door ka bhai hai

2nd sardar:door ka mein samjha nahin

sardar:iss k orr mere beech 8 behan bhai orr hai

Source : Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes Collection

“God doesn’t exist”

“God doesn’t exist” – Karl Marx

“Karl Marx no longer exists” – God

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One shark to the other

One shark to the other: Look at this surfer – he’s being served just like in a restaurant on a food-tray and with a napkin

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A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.

– What happened to you?

– I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm

– But why is your foot bandaged?

– I kicked it back!

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Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like Marilyn Monroe?

– Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like Marilyn Monroe?

– Noooooooo!!!!

– That’s right! ’cause you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger

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We’re all gonna die

– Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what’ll happen to me, am I gonna die?

– Well everyone is going to die some day, you know….

– Oh my God! What have I done? Now we’re all gonna die!

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100 year old man

100 year old man

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:

– Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?

– That depends,” says the doctor. Do you smoke?

– No

– Do you drink?

– No

– Do you running after women?

– Of course not

– Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

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Q: Why are there no elephants in Bollywood?

Q: Why are there no elephants in Bollywood?

A:They can’t run around trees without knocking them down.

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Teacher: If you are in moon, what will be your weight

Teacher: If you are in moon, what will be your weight

a) increase

b)decrease

c) no change

d) can not be predicted…

Student : Decrease

Teacher: why

Student : you will not get good food!!!

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Colgate se daant saaf karne ka,

Colgate se daant saaf karne ka,

Pepsodent se majboot karne ka,

Babul se fresh karne ka..

Aagr fir bhi safed nhi huye toh..

Bindaas HARPIC use karne ka….

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7-chiz jb khatam ho jati hai to bahut taklif hoti hai

7-chiz jb khatam ho jati hai to bahut taklif hoti hai

1-Pyar

2-Rishta

3-School Life

4-Dosti

5-Paise

6-Net Pack

OR

7. Toilet Main Pani….. :p

Source : Funny Jokes

Santa Banta Funny Jokes

Simply a hilarious collection of santa banta funny jokes.

Dont carry umbrella during rain

Dont carry umbrella during rain

Keep WHISPER on ur head

ye ghanto tak geelepan

ka ahsas nahi hone deta

Santa in court

SANTA went to court

JUDGE:

"Order ! Order !"

SANTA:

"1 Pizza, 2 Dosa, 3 Idli & 1 Cold-drink !"

JUDGE:

"Shut Up !"

SANTA:"No,No..7-Up!

Headlights and wipers

After an accident,

A v.angry driver: I showed u d headlights

& told u 2 go by side.

Santa: I also started d wipers

& said No, no..No no. :D

Because married men are more obedient.

Banta owned a factory.

He issued orders that only married

men would be employed.

Friend asks: Why this ?

Banta reply:

Because married men are more obedient.

Lion bounced on wife

In an African Safari,A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.

WIFE-Shoot him! Shoot him!

SANTA-Yes Yes.I'm changing d battery of my camera..

Cut workload by 50%

Salesman:This computer will

cut your workload by 50%.

Santa:That is great,

I will take two of them:p

Theif entered kitchen

Santa: Look a thief has entered our kitchen

and he is eating the cake I made.

Banta: Whom should I call now,

Police or Ambulance?

Source : Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?” A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.” “Very good!” says the group leader. One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.” “That's wonderful!” the group leader comments. One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.” The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?” “Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”

Source : Funny Jokes