Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes

अब तो हद हो गयी है

ये अफवाह…
कौन फैला रहा है की…

अँक्टिवा के साइलेंसर पे
बीबी का नाम लिखने से..

बुलेट की आवाज आती है!!!!

अभी यह अफवा कौन फैला रहा की…

रामदेव बाबा ही बचपन के मोगली है।
इसीलिए उन्हें जंगल की इतनी औशधि की जानकारी है।

बीवी:
जो आदमी रोज शराब पीकर आये उसके लिए मेरे मन में कोई हमदर्दी नहीं है..!

पति:
जिसको रोज शराब मिल जाये, उसे तुम्हारी हमदर्दी की जरुरत भी नहीं है!!

भगवान: क्या चाहिए तुझे?

भक्त :
एक नौकरी,
पैसो से भरा कमरा,
सुकून की नींद
और
गर्मी से छुटकारा ।

भगवान : तथास्तु

बेचारा भक्त अब बैंक के ATM का सिक्योरिटी गार्ड है, और वह AC में सोता रहता है!

हॉस्टल स्टूडेंट अपने दोस्त से:
भाई धोखा हो गया धोखा ;-(

दोस्त:- क्या हो गया…??

स्टूडेंट:
घर से बुक्स के लिए पैसे मंगवाए थे,

.

घर वालो ने बुक्स ही भेज दी…

डॉक्टर – आपको क्या बिमारी है ?

मरीज़ – पहले आप वादा करो की हंसोगे नहीं ।

डॉक्टर – OK…Promise…

मरीज़ ने अपनी टांगे दिखाई जो माचिस की तीली जितनी पतली थी ।

डॉक्टर को यह देख के हंसी आ गयी ।

मरीज़ – आपने ना हंसने का वादा किया था ।

डॉक्टर – अच्छा Sorry…
अब तकलीफ बताओ ।

मरीज़ – डॉक्टर साहब, यह सूज गयी है ।

डॉक्टर – हाहाहाहा… भाग साले…
तू आया ही हंसाने के लिए है…

क्या अजीब संयोग है..
स्कूल में हाजिरी लेते लेते अचानक कलम रुक गयी.
लड़की का नाम था “परिधि व्यास”

मैने कहा:
क्या खूब “ज्यामितीय” नाम है !
बेटी… तुम्हारे पापा का नाम…..?

वो बोली : जी….”आधार” चंद्र व्यास ।

और मम्मी…..?

वो बोली : जी…..”त्रिज्या” व्यास ।

और भाई….?
वो बोली : जी “कर्ण” व्यास ।

फिर तो परिवार में “रेखा” और “बिंदु” भी होंगी ?

वो शरमाकर बोली, जी “दोनों” बुआजी हैं मेरी !!

प्रभु यह क्या मोह माया है?

अपना बच्चा रोये तो दिल में दर्द होता है
और दूसरे का रोये तो सर में।

अपनी बीवी रोये तो सर में दर्द होता है
और दूसरे की रोये तो दिल में 

सब प्रभु की माया है!! 

पठान के 3 बच्चे हुए… नाम रखा…

1) हसरत खान 2) हरकत खान 3) बरकत खान

फिर 3 बच्चे हुए, नाम रखा…
1) दरिया खान 2) समंदर खान 3) सैलाब खान

फिर 3 बच्चे हुए, नाम रखा…
1) हिम्मत खान 2) हौसला खान 3) बर्दाश्त खान

फिर 3 बच्चे हुए…
इस बार बीवी ने नाम रखा…
1) बस कर खान 2) शर्म कर खान 3) रहम कर खान..

WhatsApp Group में कुछ सदस्य ऐसे हैं
जैसे सरकारी स्कूल के छात्र हो. …

जो स्कूल कभी नहीं आते…
पर उनका रजिस्टर में नाम जरूर होता है….

बेचारा आदमी:
जब दाढ़ी न आये तो दवाई ढूँढता है…,
जब आ जाती है तो नाई ढूँढता है…,
जब सफ़ेद हो जाती है तो डाई ढूँढता है…!!

ओबामा केजरीवाल से:
हे मैन तुम अपने पैर में जूता क्यों नहीं पहनते?

अरविन्द जी खांसते हुवे मुस्कुरा कर बोले:
जी माँ ने सिखाया था खाने की चींजों को पैर नहीं लगाते!

Source :  Funny Jokes

Funny Hind Whatsapp Message: Ek Dukhi Boss Ki Kahani

Ek Dukhi Boss ki Kahani:

Kal mera Birthday tha, Meri Biwi Bachcho ne mujhe wish

nhi kia...

Mai office gaya kisi ne wish nhi kia....

Mai apne cabin mei gaya Meri

Secretary Romantic style mein boli

"Happy Birthday" sweet Boss. <3

Mujhe boht achcha lga Phir usne mujhe apne Flat Pr bulaya

aur kaha ki aaj mai apko boht khush karne wali hun....

She said:

Mai 2 minutes me Bedroom se aati hun tab tak aap excitment ki tyari ker le....

Kuch deir baad wo 1 boht bade Cake ke sath bahar aayi Us ke peche meri Biwi, Bachche, maa, baap aur pura staff tha....

.

.

.

Aur mai us BC ke intezar me Sofay per Nanga Leta condom chada rha tha . :'(:'(

___________________________________________________________________________

माना कि अब तु मुजे  महोब्बत नहिं करती..!!

लेकिन अब भी तू हमारी गली से गुजर जाए तो लोग कहते हे..!!

.

.

.

.

.

भाई का मॉल जा रहा हे....!! 😂😂😂

चिकन ऐसे पकाओ कि कच्चा

ना हो;

वाह वाह!

चिकन ऐसे पकाओ कि कच्चा

ना हो;

और

मोहब्बत ऐसे निभाओ कि बच्चा

ना हो!

🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔🐔

हमारी एक मुस्कुराहट पर वो

हमसे सेक्स कर बैठे;

वाह-वाह।

हमारी एक मुस्कुराहट पर वो

हमसे सेक्स कर बैठे;

वो पैंटी पहनने ही वाली थी कि

हम फिर से मुस्कुरा बैठे।

💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁💁

जैसे फूली हुई रोटी कच्ची

नहीं होती;

वैसे ही ब्रा पहनी हुई लड़की

कभी बच्ची नहीं होती;

और

जैसे मगर मच्छ के आंसू कभी

सच्चे नहीं होते;

वैसे मुंह में लंड देने से बच्चे

नहीं होते!

👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠👠

लड़की अपनी मर्ज़ी से दे तो प्यार;

दोस्त दिलाएँ तो ऊपहार;

घर वाले दिलाएँ तो संस्कार;

और हम अपने आप ले लें तो

बलात्कार!

🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌

मैं अकेला ही चला था अपनी

मंजिल के लिए;

अनुभवी लोग मिलते गए और

मैं चूतिया बनता गया!

✊✊✊✊✊✊✊✊✊✊

पलट कर देख जानेमन,

जिगर मे दम हम भी रखते हैं;

ब्रा में दो बम्ब तुम रखती हो तो

चड्डी मे एक गन हम भी रखते हैं!

🔫💣💣🔫💣💣🔫💣💣🔫

रोये हम इस कदर, उनकी बाहों

में लिपटकर;

कि वो खुद ब्रा उतारकर बोली,

ले दुधु पी ले, और अब चुप कर!

🍼🍶🍼🍶🍼🍶🍼🍶🍼🍶

सेक्स गुरु ने अर्ज़ किया है:

ना चोदो किसी को इतना;

कि उसकी चूत तुम्हारी कमजोरी

बन जाये;

उसे चोदो कुछ इस तरह;

कि तुम्हारे लंड उसके लिए जरूरी

बन जाये!

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭

उस कच्ची कली को चोदने में गांड

से धुआं निकल गया;

हम भी रात भर चोदते रहे;

सुबह देखा तो चूत में कुआँ

निकल गया।

😂😂😂😂

गांड फाड़ joke

गली में जाते हुए भिखारी ने आवाज़ लगायी, भाभी जी, रोटी मिलेगी?

अंदर से आवाज़ आयी: बीवी घर पर नहीं है।

....

भिखारी: चूत नहीं मांगी मादरचोद, रोटी तो तू भी दे सकता है।

😂😂

How to Be Funny

Being genuinely humorous and encouraging people to share a laugh together can help make you popular and successful. Humor helps you experience the lighter side of life, bringing happiness to everyone you meet, and it's been recognized as an important part of getting a job. A survey of 737 CEOs found that 98 percent of them favored hiring someone with a sense of humor over someone who didn't. Shrug off your stern self and tickle your funny bone. See Step 1 for more information.

Step 1 :

Developing a Sense of Humor

1.       Learn a little about what makes you laugh.

Laughter itself is unconscious. While it's possible for us to keep ourselves from laughing (not always successfully), it is very hard for us to produce laughter on demand, and doing so will usually seem "forced."[2]Fortunately, laughter is very contagious (we're about 30 times more likely to laugh in the presence of others), and in a social context, it's easy to start laughing when others are laughing.[3]

Studies have shown that three things make us laugh the most: a sense of superiority over someone else behaving "dumber" than us; a difference between our expectation of something and the actual result; or welcome relief from an anxiety.

2.       Learn to laugh in boring or unfunny circumstances.

It's good to know that the less funny a place is, the easier it becomes to add the element of humorous surprise. It might be easier to get people to laugh about an office workplace than to get people to laugh in a comedy club.[5]

This is why The Office, the NBC show, uses an office as its setting: it's about as boring as it gets. They even process paper. How boring is that?! We're not used to looking at an office as a funny place, so when it is funny, it's especially funny.

3         Learn to appreciate witty wordplay and puns.

A lot of the time, comedy comes from linguistic confusion (unintentional) or linguistic playfulness (intentional). We sometimes find things humorous when there's a gap between our words and our meanings.

Freudian slips are linguistic errors that are believed to expose what you were really thinking rather than what you "meant" to say, and are often of a sexual nature.

Witty wordplay is more intentional: "A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion." Or this one, where the words "hockey" and "fight" are switched: "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."

4         Appreciate irony.

There's perhaps nothing in comedy more widely cited but more thoroughly misunderstood than irony. Irony occurs when there is a gap between our expectations of a statement, situation, or image and the actual experience of it.

Comedian Jackie Mason illustrates irony with a joke: "My grandfather always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather."

This joke messes with one of our fundamental expectations: that grandparents are nice, friendly people who are utterly harmless, and that the advice they offer should be sincere.The joke is funny because, in it, we are presented with a grandparent who is rascally, thievish, and double-crossing.

5         Trust in your inner sense of humor.

Being funny doesn't come in a "one-size-fits-all" package. What makes you funny is unique to you and the way you observe the world. Trust that you do have a funny bone; as babies we laugh from 4 months of age, and all children express humor naturally from kindergarten age, using humor to entertain themselves and others. It's already in you – you just need to bring it out!

Source :   Funny Jokes

OCCASIONAL JOKES

Retirement

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

__________________________________________

The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

__________________________________________

If God Texted The 10 Commandments

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg’s

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

__________________________________________

Supporting a Family

Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor.

“Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.”

“Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”

Source : Funny Jokes

The Funniest Jokes

100 year old man

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:

- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?

- That depends," says the doctor. Do you smoke?

- No

- Do you drink?

- No

- Do you fool around with loose women?

- Of course not

- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

______________________________________________________________

It's alright

Two friends talking:

- Sorry man, I slept with your wife

- It's ok, I sleep with her every ninght

______________________________________________________________

We're all gonna die

- Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what'll happen to me, am I gonna die?

- Well everyone is going to die some day, you know....

- Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!

______________________________________________________________

Happy Marriage

- Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!

- So who's the lucky man?

- The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist

______________________________________________________________

Pick up line

- Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like Marilyn Monroe?

- Noooooooo!!!!

- That's right! 'cause you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger

______________________________________________________________

NATO in Libya

In order to protect civilians from airstrikes NATO air forces have to gun down themselves

______________________________________________________________

At school

- Bobby, would you like to go to heaven?

- Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the classes

______________________________________________________________

Bandaged blonde

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.

- What happened to you?

- I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm

- But why is your foot bandaged?

- I kicked it back!

______________________________________________________________

Surfer

One shark to the other: Look at this surfer - he's being served just like in a restaurant on a food-tray and with a napkin

______________________________________________________________

God doesn't exist

"God doesn't exist" - Karl Marx

"Karl Marx no longer exists" – God

Source : Funny Jokes

Short & Funny Jokes

Short & Funny Jokes